Saturday, July 5, 2008

  • "Taste Violence" - It happens every year. If you put 1 or million people in a 16 square block area for a few hours and force them to pay $5 for an ice cream cone, odds are a couple of them are going to be irritable. Throw in some pistols and effed up views on masculinity and you've got a shooting. It's unfortunate but not shocking that, and I think this is the count, 6 people have been shot near the Taste so far. If everyone wasn't high as a kite at Lollapalooza and the target audience wasn't everybody but lower-class people, we'd be hearing the same thing come August.
  • "Jiffy Lube" - My father and I went to get oil changes earlier this afternoon. We ended up getting radiator flushes, fuel system cleanings, and other likely unnecessary things. Next time we'll probably end up doing it at home. But you've gotta respect the hard-working (minimum wage) people at Jiffy Lube. They have to be better salesmen than mechanics. You've got to have skills to convince people to pay $80 for a service they've never heard of.
  • "Ventriloquists" - I was watching Def Comedy Jam, the original, at my aunts house late last night with my cousin BJ (I'll pause for the fellatio jokes). I normally like my stand-up gimmick-free, so when a cat whose name I forget walked on stage with his puppet I braced for the worst. But he was hilarious. The puppet had one of the best jokes I've heard in a while as he scanned the crowd. "Damn girl," he said looking at a lady. "You so fine." Then he turned to the guy with his arm up his ass and said, "Man she so fine I wish I could see her in 3-D.......that's my hotel room." It was probably a combo of a lack of sleep, the puppets typical 90s Dickies suit and White Sox Starter Cap, and the fact that a puppet said it, but I plan to use that in the future.



  • "Sheet Cake" - Besides providing your local Dominick's or Jewel-Osco with endless opportunities to ruin your child's birthday party with a naughty cake, they just plain taste good. There was a large chocolate one at the cookout I was at last night, and despite being nearly as long as an 8 year old, it was decimated. I don't know how they do it, but the icing is always perfect on sheet cakes. Not too buttery, not too sweet. Well, it probably is too sweet but nobody's ever complained about something being too sweet.








  • "Microwaves" - It sounds dumb, but I don't trust microwaves. They've been around for 40 years and are obviously safe since they are in production, but I just can't wrap my mind around putting a frozen pizza in a humming box for 45 seconds and a meal popping out. I'll wait it out with the oven. I don't know where my wariness came from, but I think it may've been a childhood accident. I think I was maybe 9, attending a "gifted school" mind you, and in my gifted mind realized that a Cookies 'N' Cream Chewy bar would taste a million times better if it were warm. I threw a bar in the microwave and sat back licking my chops. Of course, the wrapper stayed on. About 3 seconds in I realized I'd made a terrible mistake. A bar of electricity scanned up and down the granola bar and then I heard a POP! followed by the microwave ringing. You know how people slowly open doors in horror flicks? That's how I opened the microwave door. I prodded the smoking Frankenstein-bar sitting there and then scooped it up. What do you know, I thought, the microwave opens granola bars for you too! Then I unwrapped the Chewy to find a charred mess of what looked like ashes. To this day, I stay away. If a microwave will do that to a granola bar, what would it do to a hot dog?

1 comment:

Vanessa said...

YES SHEET CAKE FROM JEWEL IS AMAZING! & im not one for cakes other than the ones i bake, so that's saying something. Did you really eat a naughty cake like that?! It reminds me of this one episode on Curb your Enthusiasm... Anyway, i love the microwave for my popcorn (and microwavable chicken nuggets)but thoroughly enjoyed your story of why you dont feel the same way. BAHAHAH