Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Shook Up In STL

Literally just pulled in to the driveway back at home. Glad to be back.

Now, last night I was over my cousin Marsha's house. She recommended we watch Obsessed as one big, happy, black family. That was verbatim by the way, and she emphasized "black" as she always does. So all 8 of us sauntered down to the basement. I was fine with it; they have a nice theater room and I got to stare at Beyonce for 2 hours.

If I only knew what I'd gotten myself into.

Marsha made a comment earlier that day about the theater room, and how the speaker system made watching scary movies a truly intense experience. What she failed to bring up, was that Obsessed was scarier than anything Clive Owen directed. This movie should be required viewing for all black men over 16 that are making something of themselves. Got a 3.0 GPA? Watch it. Going to school on a scholarship? Watch it. Pretty much, mothers, if your son ain't already locked up and doesn't have a criminal record, sit his ass down and watch this with him.

Terrifying. That's what should've been on the movie poster. I don't know if the Academy Awards have a horror category, but if they do this is the front runner. Jesus Christ. Idris Elba, a lucky bastard in real life and in this movie, had the black man's dream: a nice house, nice cars, a beau-ti-FULL wife, more money than this dude, a happy marriage and son, and had hater-ass white people jealous of him at the job. Dude had moved on up for real. But then, one day in the elevator, he found himself in the wrong place at the wrong time.

This scene is really a microcosm of the film, so I feel the need to break it down. Step by step, because Idris effed up every chance he got.

1st Quarter: Everybody gets off the elevator except Idris and Kryptonite - I'm only calling her Kryptonite because I am too shaken to type her actual name. They exchange glances, which is fine, but then Idris takes strike 1. He sneaks another peek.
2nd Quarter: Kryptonite capitalizes on the momentum from the sneak peek, and puts on a full court press. She hikes her skirt up and rubs one leg with another. Idris, being a straight male, is in a tough spot. He gives in and glances over again.
3rd Quarter: Idris is on the ropes now. I'm yelling at the screen at this point. "Emmitt Till! Remember what happened to Emmitt!!" But it's too late. Kryptonite brings out the money play; her papers magically drop to the ground and she lets out a pout of frustration. Idris, completely flustered by the full court press has lost track of the game plan - aka get money, go home, beat Beyonce's guts up. He bends to the ground and picks up the papers.
4th Quarter: Kryptonite is obviously a skilled closer. As the clock nears triple 0s, she's smiling teasingly and overly thanking Idris for his coonism chivalry. Idris, completely outmatched at this point, can do nothing but shuffle his feet and say how much of a pleasure it was to pick up such a fine white woman's things off the dirty elevator floor.

Game. Set. Match.

You can kind of get the gist of the movie from this. Kryptonite proceeds to then stalk the s*** out of Idris, throw herself on him at an Xmas party, OD off pills in his hotel room (which she broke into), steal his baby, and then break into his house and lay in his bed until Beyonce comes in and wears her ass out.

What makes Obsessed so scary wasn't how good a job Ali Larter did playing the crazy white woman. It's how real the plot is. You throw in some bloody gloves and make the girl Jewish, and this might as well be called Obsessed: The OJ Simpson Story. What I'm saying is, this s*** could happen in real life easily. And, just to clarify, white women, I have nary a problem with you. The movie is really about crazy women and stupid men in general. But, if I happen to cross your path and refuse to look you in the eyes, show any overt signs of affection, and/or act like I don't know you in public whatsoever, just understand it's a coping mechanism.


J Freund said...

solid post. that shit's fucked up.

VicksTheGreat said...

Damn bro, you were serious about posting. That movie really has me reconsidering the type of female I associate myself with. I need background checks, doctor's notes, everything. Idris is that dude. Beyonce was working her but you can't just easily whoop crazy.

Haha peep how Idris got some ass right after the credits stopped lol

sam said...

Real talk this post is the sole reason i got this movie on demand (with my step-bro, no-bromo) at like 1:30am. Even scarier after the brownies we consumed.

DSD said...

Just watched it this weekend. I was cracking up the whole time because it showed a perfect example of why both black and white women respectively scare me.