Monday, July 26, 2010

Air MDT5



This post right here, this post right here nigga, is a big one. It's my 500th. Too bad I don't have any time for sentimental waxing on how far the site's come or what I want to accomplish by the time post #1000 comes along. The 8-year old kid next to me in a Brewers hat and Rangers t-shirt here at Phoenix Sky Harbor is making sure of that. The $8 itis I just caught from the airport Wendy's is doing its part as well.

So, in honor of the ginormous occasion that is my 500th post, here are 5 things about air travel that suck harder than Kat Stacks on the 1st or the 15th.

  • "The Elderly" They really should have senior citizen airports. It's for their own good. My dad dropped me off at Midway this morning with about 45 minutes to get from the entrance to my seat. I hit my best OJ impression - the good one, you sick bastards - but a couple old ladies almost caught a stiff arm.
  • "Fees" I flew Southwest, so I could've come out a lot worse than I did. Still doesn't make the $50 heavy-bag fee easy to stomach. Especially since I'm broke. I was 3 pounds overweight and not even my best Billy Dee impression could convince the check-in lady to let me slide.
  • "Greg" I had heaven and hell at my sides on the first leg of my travels this morning. To my right, a just-graduated ASU Sun Devil brunette named Samantha heading home for her mom's birthday. This was going to be a good 3.5 hours. But then, Greg from Midlothian sat down on my other side. Greg is 43 years old, has a couple stepchildren, and has no problem touching complete strangers' shoulders on a fully crowded plane as he laughs at something only he finds funny. Fuck Greg.
  • "Lines" They're inevitable. That doesn't mean I can't hate them though.
  • "Helplessness" There a few places I can think of where you have less control than the airport. Prison, Harold's Chicken Shack. That's about it. From the time you hit the gate, you line up when they tell you line up. You watch out the window as the flight attendant tells you to buckle up (even though you aren't moving) and the supposedly-cheerful bag people toss your luggage around like Tina Turner. You ask for no ice in your apple juice and you get extra ice for being a troublemaker. Bad news.

Let me stop bitching, though. It's a celebration. See you at 1000.

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